Fruitcake Recipe

1 C Water
1 C Sugar
4 Large eggs
3 C dried fruit
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
1 C Brown sugar
Lemon juice, nuts
1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take out a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.
Pour 1 level cup and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 C of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 tsp. sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still OK.
Cry another cup. Turn off the mixer.
Break two geggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the burner.
If the fried fruit gets stuck in the beaters, pry it loose with a screwdriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for toxisisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt.
Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one tablespoon of sugar or something...whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn on the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whiskey again. Go to bed.
Who the heck likes fruit cake anyway???

Recipe for a Joyous Holiday meal from the Alternative Gourmet

This recipe has been around for many years in many fashions but in recent years for some reason has fallen out of favor. Here we shall return to a true classic dish of alternative fine dining.
The list of ingredients is as follows:
1. 1 reindeer, appx. 125-175 lbs., skinned, dressed (though not in a tux ha, ha) and head mounted if you so desire.
2. 6-9 Christmas elves cleaned and finely diced, appx. 8 lbs. useable weight.
3. 8 lbs. celery, finely chopped.
4. 8 lbs. onions, finely chopped.
5. 8 lbs. carrots, finely diced.
6. 1 gallon vodka to numb the elves before you peel them and dice them.
7. 32 lbs. dry bread crumbs.
8. 3 gallons chicken stock.
9. salt, pepper, to taste.
10.Fresh garlic, 1-6 lbs. as you desire.
11.3-4 gallons of olive oil for basting the roasting reindeer.

A. Saute the onions, carrots, and celery in a large pan, using some olive oil, until tender.
B. Brown the diced elves in the same pan until lightly browned.
C. Mix the vegetables, elves, bread crumbs, and the chicken stock, season to taste with pepper, salt and garlic to taste.
D. Stuff the dressing in the reindeer, then sew the deer shut. As for roasting the whole reindeer it is usually difficult to find an oven large enough to do the job. So you will have to be creative. My personal favorite is to prop the reindeer up on a neighbor kids wagon. Then roll the whole shebang into the local grouches garage and set fire to the garage. If you can keep the local fire department at bay for 3-4 hours the reindeer will be perfectly done.
This recipe will serve 175-225 hearty alternatively inclined diners.

P.S. Never hunt elves in the same area each year. They have long memories for such little beasties and they won't fall for the vodka trick twice in two years.

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Thank you, Marsha!

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